I don't want too

Poison & Wine

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will [x7]I always will [x5]

And maybe I always will.
But you don't deserve my love.
I want to move forward and be able to give myself fully to someone else.

Someone who will treat me better.
Better then you ever did.
Someone who will one day say I love you.

I meant what I said to you about this song.
I just didn't realize how true it was.

Its supposed to be about the butterflies and the fireworks

You and I just met a week ago.
But it feels like we've known each other for so much longer.
I guess when you think about it we spent the whole weekend together at retreat, 
then that following week we spent every other day together with non stop communication in between.
I really admire who you are.
You are such a great guy.
I always look forward to our conversations and spending time with you; and I already told you I can't imagine saying bye to you.
But these last few days you gave me that look, and I couldn't do it.
I couldn't kiss you.
Even when you held my hand for the first time.. nothing. 
No sparks, no excitement, no passion!
But I can't not be with you.
I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'm just not ready.
This is all so new to me. 
I've always wanted this, and it's not that I'm not attracted to you.
I just can't let myself go there with you; and it scares me.
I don't want to hurt you.
I pray for answers Father, I pray you you shine a light on this situation so that I may see what is the right thing to do.

Pumpkin Spice

I used to love them.
WE used to love them.
Except you loved them with someone else too.
Now, they don't taste the way I remember they did.

Prayer request from Elim Young Adults

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST - Larry and Marion Boese (Larry is our lead custodial at the church) have a grandson whose name is Micah. He is 9 years old. This coming Monday Micah is going to surgery. They recently found a tumor on his brain. And specifically it is around the brain stem. It is cancer of some sort - possibly 1 of 3 kinds - only one is treatable. But until they perform the surgery they won't know.
But this surgery is complicated enough. It may have fused into the brain stem (which is not good). It is life or death for sure in this surgery.
Such hard news for parents/grandparents to hear. Then after the surgery he will left asleep for 3 days (can't imagine that waiting).So we need people to PRAY. Let's ask God for a HUGE miracle. Rescue Micah we pray O God!

Vulnerable

is a very dangerous place for me to be in with you.

Faces West

Let the journey begin.

Underneath the looking glass

Chest: 32cm

Waist: 25cm

Hips: 35 cm

Body: scarred

You're everything

This is not about you anymore. It's about Him.

You're our only hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul

It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Girl, interrupted.

 I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
I carried on this way for three years.
In summary it was a roller coaster of overdoses, eating disorders, cutting, and an indefinite amount of suicide attempts.
I went somewhere this summer that made me take a step back and see how messed up my life was.
I needed to change. I needed to want to change.
I had to accept that I was officially in a psych ward.
That everything I said and did was recorded.
So I gave myself over to God, and I let him take over control.
No doctors, specialists, or psychologists could help me.
Only He could, and my will to believe in Him.
That was three months ago.
This is me now.

Testify

  

Moving forward

I need to stop missing you.

I have something to look forward too

I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday.
It's gonna be really hard.
And we're gonna have to work at this every day.
But I want to do that. Because I want you.

You again

It's you all over again.
But its the exact same situation.
You say you want to be friends,
but I know what you really want.
I'm not sorry; but I'm more then a body dude.

Helplessly in love with love

I can't fight fate.
I can't talk to you.
I can't pick up the phone like I used too.
I can't write you a letter.

I can't fight fate.
You're not the one for me.
I have to accept that;
and believe that I deserve better.

Secrets

Father I pray that these thoughts of doubt and unbelief in myself go away.
I don't want to believe that my scars will hold me back.
You know my heart Father. You know my passions. Only you know what my deepest desires are.
Is this what you want for me?
I'm so scared to meet with her and be told I don't stand a chance.
I just continue to pray for positive thoughts, healing, and a light to guide me out of the darkness of my thoughts.

Girls Night

I want to have a girls night.
You know? With real friends.
Where we talk about life, boys, fashion, sexy celebrities and what's new on tv.
I don't miss the conversations of  "How intoxicated you were" one time, or how "good" the sex was.
Girls night is important to me.
So we can remind ourselves that we have value, and worth in ourselves.
So we can remind ourselves that we do not need a man to make everything better.
So we can remind each other what self respect is about.
To the old friends.. I don't miss our conversations.
I move on, looking forward to the conversations with women who have the same morals and values that I do.
I've realized that our faded friendship was for the best.
I'm moving on.
I hope you do too.

I need you now

Father I pray to continue to trust in you.
Last night was supposed to be a great night for me, and it wasn't.
This morning I was filled with doubt  and questioning myself, 'can I really do this?'
Father I pray that the enemy have no control, no power over my thoughts.
I pray to continue to believe in me. Believe in YOU God.
Believe that whatever plan that You may have in store for me will always be good enough,
even if I can't see it yet.

Have you ever had a passion so strong?

   

     

  

Is this where I belong?

In this I pray

Father I pray for the Phillipines.

A member in our young adult group has requested prayer, so I seek prayer through you Father.

Father I pray for everything corrupt in yworld to come to an end; so we can see peace; glory; everything you want us to have.

Lord I pray that the UN intervenes in the situation this country is suffering through.

I pray for courage and strength as the soldiers face battle, and Your mighty shield of strength to protect them from the enemy.

Anything is possible with You!

I reflect on where I live, and Father I am so blessed.

Please bless these people. Bless the Phillipines, give them hope! Show them your love!

My ultimate prayer God is for the end of all wars. I pray for the day that our world can unite praise your beautiful glorious name.

In this I pray Father,

Amen.

                                     

Rhythm of my heart

Hummingbird Heartbeat

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Charity

I miss your blackbirds.
your blackbirds are on my ribs;
thanks for sharing them with me.
I'm sorry I took you for granted.

Twin

If you go, I go too.
Two lungs, Two hearts; I need you to live.
Two girls dependent on each other.
I love you sissy.

I had to put this together to let you go

  

 

     

  

Hi. Its been so long. I don't even know where to begin. First I would like to congratulate you on passing your second year of dentistry. I have always believed in you. I also hope that you are enjoying your summer to its full extent. I have a lot of things to say (as always I know) and will try to sort out my thoughts as best as I can. I want to apologize for how poorly and immaturely I left things with you. I was just so hurt and blinded with rage. I let my emotions take over instead of trying to deal with it rationally and accepting the situation for what it was. I want you to know that the last thing I want is for you to be out of my life. These last few months of no contact with you has been extremely difficult for me. I'm reaching out to you because I can't handle the silence anymore. I'm growing and getting stronger and have been doing well with no self-harm. The only thing I struggle with is the heartache I wake up too every morning and the tears I carry to bed. I miss you. I miss you so much. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. I am so sorry if I drove you away or if I became too much. I know you don't reciprocate the same feelings I have for you, but I still love you. I love you so much. Everyday my mind is haunted with memories of us.. Each one crystal clear. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just need you to know how much you matter to me. You have left an imprint on my heart, and inspired me in so many ways. James 1: 12. I learnt that from you, and that verse has kept me going; persevering through these times of trials that I face. I'm fighting for my life back. I won't be a victim to my actions or impulses. I'm not giving up because I've finally came to the realization of how much I have lost by not fighting back. If there's one good thing that I gained from this time apart.. Its that I will never consider suicide again. Because losing you, and you're still here on earth.. Has been the hardest thing I've had to face. I can't imagine living in a world without you even if I'm not part of it. Imagining what that would do to me is unfathomable. I'm sure you're familiar with 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not -boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. These are the only words I can use to describe my love for you. And I truly believe that no one will love you more than I do. I really hope things are going good for you. You deserve the best things in life. I understand that this all may be overwhelming. I have come to terms that you don't feel the same. But I just needed you to know. I guess this is as close to closure I can get. I believe you will do amazing things in life. I know because you have already touched mine.

Kyley

Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars Xo 

      

   

Its all in the stars

I looked up at the sky tonight, and I remembered us.

Lying to yourself.

I want to let go, and forgive

Forgiveness is not a feeling - it's a decision we make because we want to do what's right before God. It's a quality decision that won't be easy and it may take time to get through the process, depending on the severity of the offense.

Joyce Meyer 

Heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry

You tucked me in

I lie in bed, wondering who you really are;

did you really care?

I lie in bed, and you're not there;

do you care?

Jaded

The letter I never gave you.

It’s hard to accept when our greatest heroes unveil themselves as our arch nemesis’.

It’s hard to watch something so vast in beauty twist into something so morbid it breaks your heart.

It’s hard to grasp that not all love can be reciprocated in those moments.

It’s hard to accept that people aren’t angels. They don’t have wings, and they will fall down. 

Betrayal; hurts like hell. But there’s revelation in the truth that gives us hope.

Broken hearted, I write this anonymously to you.

The one who was my greatest hero.

The one who was so beautiful.

The one who could not reciprocate my love.

The one I called my angel. 

That I could never hate you.